Here's the meme:

"Comment to this post and I will list seven things I want you to talk about. They might make sense or they might be totally random. Then post that list, with your commentary, to your journal. Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself."

And thus, spacehawk gave me seven things to talk about:


Courage

I am a timid person. My partner and I have pictures of me at the Future Lovecraft book launch with an expression he describes as "trying very hard not to run away". He joked it should be my official author picture. Apparently I look like that all the time!

Every aspect of my writing work takes courage. A lot of the time, just posting here and INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE OH NOES takes courage. I'm not just talking "eek, this is scary" - I'm also thinking "There isn't any point to this, I can't do it correctly anyway." It takes courage and determination to get past those doubt monsters, for sure.

But I know if I do quit, I'll never get anywhere at all. My goal is to take down the doubtmonsters, dismantle the "can't"s, do what I know deep down I want to, and then see who that makes me.



Travel

Hmm, not sure why this is on the list. Right now my entire travel budget and then some goes to trips to Toronto to see my partner (and sometimes sneak into a convention). My family also takes me places like Ottawa and Washington D.C. to see relatives, and most years, that's plenty enough travel for me!

But I have been to places just for the sake of being there. I went to the Canadian Rockies in high school and loved them. We stopped by a canyon in the Alberta badlands and I realized people were allowed to climb down and ended up running all over the place. I've seen the ocean in Delaware and some great big water which was apparently not quite the ocean in Maine, and those were also excellent (despite the giant hordes of Delaware jellyfish). I also went to Disney World in high school, which was everything one would expect from Disney World. I approved.

Some people have dream destinations. My mother went to England recently and it was the highlight of her entire life. But really, if I could just be in face-to-face contact sometimes with all the people I love, that would be more than enough.



Family

My family is actually kind of awesome, because we are all nerds and bookworms. I never "discovered" genre fiction, the way many authors did - that was what we ALL read, from day one. (Though as I grew up I developed my own preferences. My reading now is on the darker and more literary side compared to what my parents like. And meanwhile, my middle brother veered off into Borges and House Of Leaves.) When we're all in a good mood, we have awesome family discussions ranging over a wide variety of interesting topics.

It's not all nerdy fun and games, though. Most of us are on the autism spectrum, mentally ill, or both. That leads to certain challenges interacting, but it also means we all have the bitter experience to be supportive of each other. There's no "black sheep of the family", because we're all black sheep, and we all know what it is to struggle.



Writing

In grade one, I went to Montessori school and spent all my time on the word processor writing stories. Of course, I was five, so they were terrible stories. I found a stack of them many years later while cleaning, and they were all about which dinosaur with an unpronounceable name caught which other dinosaur with an unpronounceable name in a trap. Also, there was one about a room full of onions, and some where I just wrote down whatever anyone next to me was saying at the time. (A year or two later, I wrote my first "novel", which was two pages long.)

Of course, that makes it sound like I was one of those people who always knew what they wanted to do. That's not me. (I wanted to be an astronaut, at least until I realized real life astronauts are not like science fiction ones.) In high school, I felt like my middle brother was "the writer", and I was just imitating him. I didn't really discover how powerful writing could be for me untill college, when a (now ex-)boyfriend asked for stories I'd had in my head, but been frightened to write down.

I'm still building my writing skills (and oh, man, is there ever a lot of building to do). But at this point, I can't imagine living without it.



Dreams

I think I got asked for this one because of Moon Laws, Dream Laws - but it's not the first story about dreams I've tried to write. Dreams are inherently frustrating things: their logic is not waking logic, their sensory characteristics are not like waking ones, and it's hard to even remember them coherently on waking. But their imagery and symbolism is fantastic.

I've toyed with lucid dreaming, but was never very good at it. I also toy with interpreting my own dreams, largely by working out what each object and action means for me emotionally. I'd be better at it if I woke myself up at random times and kept a dream journal, like you're supposed to, but I like sleeping too much >_< So I only write mine down if they're really striking.

Stories are more logical than dreams, but the symbolism can be similar, if you look. I can't tell you how many times I've made a psychological breakthrough and gone, "But wait, my unconscious must have already known this, because I've been writing about it" - often years before my conscious mind caught up.



Autism

I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome when I was 13. If you don't know the basics of what that is, here is a Wikipedia article.

I was a mess at 13. I spent more time in the school bathroom scratching at my hands, or at home claiming to be sick, than actually sitting in class. When my parents tried to get me to go somewhere, I would shout at them and wrestle them.

I do a lot better now that I am 24. I live in my own apartment without assistance, financially support myself, and go to grad school. You have to know me pretty well to realize someting's "off". Therapies of various kinds have played a role here, but the main thing that's happened is a lot simpler: I got older. And I did it in a mostly-supportive environment with family and other adults who valued me.

I think we need "It gets better" videos for autism. Some things are still difficult for me, but my parents would have killed, a decade ago, to know I could be this successful.

If you're curious, here are some of the ways my autism still affects my daily life:

I get overstimulated easily, especially by new/loud/crowded/confusing environments. If I get too stressed, I "shut down" and can't speak clearly or make decisions. To recover, I need to be left alone in a quiet place for a while.

I can make preparations if I know I'm going to one of those places (like a convention). Earplugs help me with noise, and tactile activities like crocheting help me in other ways. And if I'm excited about a place, I can "push" myself to endure it longer. Some of the "pushing" is unconscious - I get excited and find I'm better able to deal with things for a while. But afterwards I shut down even harder and need more recovery time.

I'm told I have good social skills (though sometimes this is condescending. "Oh, you're very well spoken for an autistic person.") I still REALLY struggle with approaching people socially. Usually it doesn't even occur to me that I should, and when it does, I freak out because I don't know how. I can approach someone on my own if we're friends, but getting those friends is a challenge. With the ones I have now, either we were doing something interesting together for a long time, or the other person pursued me (in a non-scary way) until I got used to them. I have no idea how to "network", and I get freaked out thinking of it.

I'm also still struggling with certain life skills, communication skills, and things like asserting my personal boundaries. (A lot of Aspie women get taught that their interpersonal needs are "wrong", and someone else with more social skills should decide what happens to them.) But I'm learning, and there are people in my life committed to helping me learn.



Spirituality

I looked at this list and was like "O hai, Dash, you HAD to ask the most complicated question." :D

I'm a Christian. I grew up that way and it has a lot of real meaning for me. I'm not fussy about denominations - in fact, right now I have ties to three different ones, locally, for different reasons. Theologically and ethically I'm pretty left-leaning, but there's a lot more to a church than theology.

Mostly because of autism, I have trouble feeling like I "really belong" anywhere, and church is no exception. My Christian friends - particularly some of my fellow students at the campus church - have been really sweet to me, and in some ways they're the most accepting group of people I've met. But in other ways, I feel extra-wary around them. I know there are certain aspects of my life that most Christians have LARGE ISSUES about. I know because I used to have the LARGE ISSUES, too. And "You guys only like me because I haven't told you this yet" isn't a nice feeling.

Some of the most interesting spiritual conversations I have nowadays are with my partner, who's an eclectic neopagan. We've made very different choices about who and what to worship, but we have a huge amount to learn from each other, and we feel safe enough with each other to actually talk about those things and our experiences. I know some people can wear their spirituality on their sleeve and discuss it closely with anyone, but for me, that kind of connection is a huge and amazing thing.